3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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