Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
