I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
