I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize