My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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