she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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