I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
