Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Did I show you my penis last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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