I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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