Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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