Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
