So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
