oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
