they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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