I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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