R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
