he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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