Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
