im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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