I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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