i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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