Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if only i could text you this smell
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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