he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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