Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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