I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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