I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize