My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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