at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
