I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
