I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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