I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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