I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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