I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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