dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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