it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
