He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
