What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize