Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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