U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
