I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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