so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize