He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
