I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize