well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
