I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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