Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
