I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize