rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
