Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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