I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize