Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
