Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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