not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
