Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
