i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
