if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize