first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
