Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
