she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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