Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
