My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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