I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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