god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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