dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
