You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
