I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
