I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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